If you Happen to Need an MRI

I had an MRI done this week. Here are some things I learned:

They might call your from the medical imaging place the day before your test and ask you if you’ve had your blood work done. You will think to yourself, of course, surely I’ve had all my blood work done. I’ve been down to the lab twice already since they didn’t do all the tests right the first time! But then the lady on the phone will ask you if you were tested for Stage 2 Kidney Failure and you will say, “No.” Because certainly you don’t have Stage 2 Kidney Failure. You will say, “Wouldn’t I have some symptoms if I had Stage 2 Kidney Failure!?” They will say, “You can’t have the injection to look at your brain constrasts unless you’ve proven you don’t have Kidney Failure. It’s just for your protection.” You will relent and assess your current surroundings--how many children are around, who could babysit and who could come with you to the lab and then you’ll make a run for it and hope there’s not a horrendous wait as there has been in the past. (You’ll be happy when there’s only one other person in the waiting room on a Tuesday at 3:45 p.m.! Your kidneys look happy but you will learn from the Medical Channel playing on the TV that Donuts are 40% transfat and that will make you sad. You might eat a donut that very same evening and realize you do not have Kidney Failure, but Will Power Failure is another story).

Then when you go for your MRI they will ask you to fill out some paper work. You will do so and notice on the last page that nursing mothers are not to nurse for at least 24 hours after the test (that would be due to the same stuff they inject you with that can mess with Failed Kidneys). I tell the ladies at the desk that I am a nursing mother and that they should include the question “Are you a Nursing Mother?” with the list of other questions they ask you over the phone a week previous like “Do you have any metal or piercings anywhere in your body?” , “Are you Closter phobic?” or “Are you pregnant?” Yes, it should come right after “Are you Pregnant?” “Are you Pregnant?” or “Are you a nursing mother?” has very good flow and they should tell you these things in advance so you can pump!! You will have the option to reschedule, but will choose to just get it over with and give your baby formula instead. (You will miss nursing your little one and he will get constipated. Again, another story.)

You will then follow the MRI lady past the front office and see a lady’s room. You will inform the MRI lady that you should use this lady’s room before you have to lie still for a long time. She will say, “Okay, just come on back when you’re out.” You will come out and start down the hall wondering which room she’s in. You will look around and then find her in the room with the big MRI machine and start to go in there when she’ll say “Oh, no! Don’t come in here!!” You will be confused as she did say to “come on back”. But will jump back behind the door frame anyway, questioning look on your face. She will explain that the giant magnet that is an MRI machine will wipe out your credit cards. You hope you didn't damage your credit and then go change in the special locker room.

Finally, you’ll have changed your clothes into a ridiculous thing they call a hospital gown (really it has nothing to do with gowns. Everyone knows gowns are pretty. It should be called a hospital gunny sack, but back to my advice,) you’ll be in your hospital gunny sack and the MRI lady will help you lie on your back on a low table. She will give you a blanket since its cold in there (for the magnet). Then she’ll put a strap across your forehead, place a plastic hockey type mask over your face and say, “You’re going to hear a series of tapping noises--they sound like drums.” Then the bed you're lying on will glide back under the magnet. They call it an open MRI because there’s nothing on the side of you, but there's still a giant 5 foot by 5 foot magnet over your body a mere 10 inches from your nose. It is a little unnerving, but you are brave and won’t let it bother you.

Once the “tapping noises” start you nearly laugh at her pr description of the sounds but you know you're not allowed to move so you laugh in your mind, but not with your face. You will think “These tapping sounds don’t sound like drums. That is not a good description. It would have been more accurate to say “They sound exactly like machine guns, bombs, laser beams, or Star Wars special effects.” But you will endure and hold very still according to her instructions (despite your inclination to run for cover when there is machine guns firing at you).

It will all be over in 30 minutes. They will give you mini oreos on your way out and you’ll share these with your kids that night over homemade vanilla ice cream.

** I just re read this and it sound like my tone is very sassy and sarcastic. It’s not. The people at the MRI place were very nice and did everything they could to keep me comfortable. I am glad that medical technology can take a picture of my brain even if I have to wear a hospital gunny sack, a hockey mask that makes you think of Jason from Friday the 13th and listen to laser beams firing at your face for 30 minutes! I really am glad and I hope that my MRI tells me absolutely nothing is wrong with my brain.